Call Me a Mother

This article originally appeared on Modern Loss. Republished here with permission.

After two miscarriages, I feel like a parent — even though I’ve never held my babies or pushed them in a stroller.

“What’s on your mind?” Facebook asked on Mother’s Day of this year.

The empty box sat there. Staring at me. Prompting me to say something. Do you say something? What do you say? Who are you now.

Not seven days earlier my husband and I had lost our first baby. Perhaps we should zoom further back.

We decided before we got married that we would take a year of “just us” time before we started trying for a family. I would tell everyone who asked, “my husband demanded a year of marital bliss first,” and that seemed to work. But after our first anniversary, these questions came more frequently.My husband and I got married on 3/10/13 (I have a thing for numbers). The moment we got married, the questions started from friends, family members, co-workers, even strangers. “When are you going to get pregnant?” “Are you pregnant?”

On 4/4/14 (see, numbers), I found out that we were expecting our first child. Well, that was easy, I thought. Until a month later when I started bleeding and cramping. On 5/5, the loss of our baby was confirmed at almost eight weeks. On 5/7 I had a D&C (dilation and curettage) surgery to complete the process. On 5/11, Mother’s Day, I felt bombarded.

Beautiful babies and proud mommies filled my news feed. “Thanks to my baby girl for making me a mom!” read one post. “Happy Mother’s Day to the amazing moms I know!” read another.

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Talia Haykin comes from a long line of rabbis, from which she rebelled to be a freelance writer and social media consultant. She is currently the Director of Marketing & Communications for the Jewish Community Center in Denver, Colo. Follow her on Twitter @thdpr.

Photo Credit: Lee Craven

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